Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP)

“If You Can Spot It, You've Got It”

We receive a lot of questions regarding the NLP belief of excellence ‘Perception Is Projection’. Below is a series of emails between a student and Kate on this topic. We hope you find some information below that helps you come to your own conclusions…

QUESTION ” Hi WestOne, I’ve got a bit of a question follow last weekend’s course, it’s with regard to “Perception is projection”. I think I understand the concept in general, like if I can recognise selfishness in someone, that’s because I’m capable of a bit of selfishness myself (I assume to varying degrees to the person you are perceiving) but what about those situations when you see a photo of someone who’s just been convicted of a really nasty crime and you can see a look in their eye which makes you shudder a bit, like you can see that there is something not quite right about them. Does this mean that you’ve got something of the same in you?! I’m pretty convinced that I am good person who will never commit any horrific crimes, so I’d just like a bit more clarity on exactly what is meant by this statement so I can understand it a bit better please”.

REPLY FROM KATE: Good to hear from you and thank you for your question. I don’t believe (nor do I think it’s useful to believe) that we could commit a horrific crime like in your description. I think what’s important and useful in this presupposition is to be open to multiple contexts of how that could play out in our life. It might not be an exact context match. It’s the structure of that thinking or behaviour that we are looking to explore.
For example: I am very aware of the ways in which people I meet currently impose their beliefs, their map of the world, about labour and parenting on to me (no shortage of ‘horror’ stories!) and if this bothers me it is more useful for me to consider ‘How do I impose my truths onto others?’ for example I can recognise the way I was rather overbearingly encouraging my cousin over the weekend to set up his own business – only sharing with him the joys of business and deleting all the challenges! The same structure appears in both sets of thinking between my advice/opinions to my cousin and other mothers advice/opinions on me.
Toby and I modelled a monk with our last Master Practitioner group. He had been working with a charity that worked in places of conflict, and after 6 months he decided to return to refuge. He explained to us that he still had internal conflict within himself to resolve and so how could he turn and ask the world to live without conflict when he had not yet been able to do this for himself? (Incidentally, we met with him on the day of the Mumbai attacks…). I doubt very much that he studies ‘nlp’ – but he has been the best example I have ever met of ‘perception is projection’ or ‘if you can spot it - you’ve got it!’, and has been a role model to me of how to take the presuppositions of nlp and internalise them.
REPLY FROM STUDENT
Hi Kate,
I think I understand what you mean - well I definitely do with the examples you’ve given. So I just want to check, with reference to the murderous person, does this mean that if you can project evil onto a photo of someone, then this is because you can perceive it in the world around you and are conscious of what affects it might have on your own life? And perhaps you should be aware of what things people perceive in the world around them, that they might project onto you?

REPLY FROM KATE:
Hi, let me ‘try on’ your example. If I look at a photo and see evil I can only recognise it as evil if I have some sort of reference for this. When Toby and I asked a Swami who had lived his whole life in the hills of the Himalayas how he managed stress, he did not understand what the word ‘stressed’ was. The same blank look I would draw if someone asked me a question in a different language. ‘Stressed’ did not live as a linguistic label in his world because he had never had the experience of it and therefore never required the label (plus no culture influences to teach him what it was). So if I understand the word….
So, ‘how am I evil?’ …. uncomfortable question…. the first thing that comes to mind is the way I finally burst and through a dish cloth at a fly in our kitchen today. It has been flying around for days since the warm weather and I have repeatedly failed to get it back outdoors. Many other maps of the world would not really see this as a ‘drama’, however I felt pretty bad afterwards when I threw it away. Not very ‘Buddhist’ of me! I certainly did not mention it to Toby. In that moment, when I ‘burst’ and acted out, in a way that is for me evil.
To come back to your specific question, “ I want to check, with reference to the murderous person, does this mean that if you can project evil onto a photo of someone, then this is because you can perceive it in the world around you and are conscious of what affects it might have on your own life? And perhaps you should be aware of what things people perceive in the world around them, that they might project onto you?”
I believe this to be correct in part. I don’t think it’s how others will project ‘evil’ onto us; instead it’s always about looking inside. If others attempt to impose ‘evil’ onto us and we do not recognise it, it will not affect us. It will bounce off us. It will not resonate; it does not stick or linger in our thinking. We shall draw a blank look like the Swami in the Himalayas as Toby and I tried to impose/project the existence of ‘stress’ into his world. It simply provides us with information about how they construct their map/world. In our attempt to learn about the swami, he learnt about us!

Hope this is helpful, Kate.

Posted in September, W1NLP | Comments Off

India Mae McCartney

India Mae McCartney. Born 18th August at 9.15pm.

“Do All Things With Love”

india

To India, we realise that everything we have done with our lives up until this time was really just preparation! With love, Mummy & Daddy x

Posted in August | Comments Off

“Patience is a virtue”…..apparently!!

17 Aug 2009

It’s funny how we sometimes get sent exactly what we need (even if we are unaware of it). We are now one week overdue for the arrival of our baby and Toby and I are awful at waiting for anything! One of the reasons we work for ourselves is that we hated how long it took to get new ideas authorised in big companies. We have started to notice this pattern of impatience…back in the winter months when we were told that our garden project would have to wait until drier weather we stubbornly insisted on ordering 20 tonnes of sand as a desperate attempt to ‘dry up the ground’ so that our plans could be ‘on-time’. We told ourselves we were very ‘outcome focussed’ … not simply impatient! We always opt for ‘next day delivery’ when buying online - anything more would be ‘too long’!
There is great irony that now with everything organised and planned our baby has chosen to keep us waiting! An opportunity to practice patience. Already our baby is finding ways to task us and take us out of our comfort zones and examine our patterns. I have found myself saying in emails and over the phone ‘patience is a virtue’ and it feels like I have stolen that belief system from someone else, it still sounds alien! Today one of our clients, Esther, said to me “Your baby is giving you a chance to be one be one more week wiser and stronger” which was a very powerful and thought provoking reframe.

So, we wait…
Kate

Posted in August | Comments Off

Pregnancy Privilege

4th August 2009

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.”

As I reflect back over the last 9 months I’m reminded of the stages we have been through in preparing to be parents. The wonderful surprise and amazement in discovering we were pregnant while in India, the following worries of ‘what’s normal?’ Toby asking questions on pregnancy forums to check ‘all was ok!’ all the while looking to avoid ever worrying me, and always carrying all the bags! The changes in diet (still miss pineapple…!!) the morning sickness, shopping for new clothes, the joy of starting to notice a bump shape appearing, the misery of realising the skinny jeans could stay at the back of the wardrobe! The clinic visits, the calls with family and friends that greeted our news with tears and screams and those that said “you two…REALLY?….”. The first kicks. The swollen ankles. The strange ante-natal classes. Being offered a seat in a hot train station in London (yes – really). Watching soon to be grandparents resurrect old rocking horses from attics, and feeling excited about what they would soon have too. The shock of getting bigger daily, the worries of little one being ok on its birth day.
And throughout all of these memories, many of which I am sure will fade in time, is one key awareness that I know I’ll have forever… it is and truly has been the most incredible privilege to create and carry a child. And I know this is not a gift that everyone is given, and for a long time was not one that I thought was to be granted to us.
And with only one week until baby’s due date, I feel so very proud of my beautiful bump and thank God for this incredible privilege.

Kate

Baby McCartney Scan

Posted in August | Comments Off

NLP and The Dharma

14th July 2009

Last year I embarked on a 3 year course in Buddhism. As a Buddhist myself (following the Kagyu tradition) and a NLP Master Practitioner and Master Trainer I find so many similarities between NLP and The Dharma. Even ‘modelling’, the core of our NLP teachings, has striking similarities to the teachings of dharma.

John Grinder (the NLP Co-Creator) explained to me that there are 3 sins to modern living:

1. Foveal vision

2. Muscle tension

3. Inner dialogue

In terms of NLP modelling these 3 sins will ‘dilute’ the model because they will lead to a conscious understanding of the model and therefore will contain my ‘map of the world’ and will not be a true reflection (unconscious uptake) of the model.

Robert Dilts (www.nlpu.com) wrote a short introduction to John Grinders NLP Distinction article printed by us when we owned the British Board of NLP and I was publishing and editing ‘The Model Magazine‘. He wrote: The most powerful and generative models are those which capture something of the deep structure of the individual or individuals being observed. This is quite different than describing or imitating surface level behaviors. Reaching this deep structure has been one of the crowning achievements of NLP and requires a special methodology.

The dharma is the name given to the Buddha’s teachings. Dharma is not a religion, neither is it a philosophy. It is usually described as a way, i.e. a way of living. Another way in which dharma could be described is ‘the way of truth’. The word dharma actually means “Things as they truly are”.

Conventional dharma is described as “how we achieve the awakening of the mind to reach realisation (or enlightenment)”. The whole process, or the “how”, is called ‘transforming consciousness into wisdom’.

So dharma teaches us how to reach true and direct realisation as opposed to ‘representation’, or conscious representations, which are described as pale reflections in the waters of the intellect and are not real, but intellectual knowledge - or ‘reason’ in many forms. To reach true realisation, we must get out of the way of our conscious minds, and communicate directly with our unconscious minds - our true and direct realisations. Something we are all too familiar with in our teachings of NLP.

I can see clear similarities between what dharma describes as ‘Realisation’ and what John and Robert describe as ‘Modelling in NLP’.

More to realise I think…

Toby

Posted in July | Comments Off

What's Your Legacy?

26th June 2009

Like millions I have been shocked and stunned by the sad news of Michael Jackson. Today I have been thinking about how much he achieved in 50 years. Just how many lives he has influenced, what incredible songs, videos and memories live on. I suspect there is a copy of Thriller hiding in most respectable CD collections.

M Jackson

Friends of ours run a street dance school which has been born from the MTV culture, and if Michael Jackson hasn’t been one of the key icons that created the MTV generation than I don’t know who is. So, in some way, our fiends, who live in a very different world to the world of MJ, have nether the less had their lives profoundly influenced by this icon.
And surely leaving a legacy is more than just how many people we influence and touch. Surely, it is how profoundly we impact on the lives of others, whether that is 50 or 50 million?

Another friend of ours is, in some ways, preparing to hand on a professional legacy and seems to me, to be seeking those who have similar values, beliefs and skills for the job. And of course modelling is key to this. To be a congruent example of the legacy not merely ‘re-enact’ similar behaviours.

And this makes me wonder, ‘What is my Legacy?’ How would I want to be remembered by the world? Does that bare any resemblance to the way I will be remembered? How is what I do, believe and value everyday forming part of that rich tapestry?

Kate

Posted in June | Comments Off

Happy Hypnobirthing

23rd June 2009

7 weeks till our due date! Gosh, only seems likes yesterday that we were in a little hut in India when we found out we were pregnant. I have digested a scary number of books on pregnancy yet nothing has made as much sense as Hypnobirthing. I guess we are rather biased to this sort of approach, however really tapping into the benefits of Hypnosis again has been so refreshing. Last weekend we attended our friends and colleagues Hypnobirthing classes in Bristol (Kieren and Jai). Kieren and Jai are truly stunning Hypnotherapists and they train all of our hypnotherapy courses. It was wonderful to be in the perceptual position of student again.

Check out these reframes:

Medicalised language Hypnobirthing Language

Contraction Surge or Wave

Deliver / Delivery Birth / Birthing

“Pushing” Birth Breathing

Braxton Hicks Pre-labour warm-ups

Anyway, I can totally recommend Hypnobirthing to anyone looking for a refreshing approach to birthing. There is more information on Kieren and Jai’s website http://www.bristol-hypnobirthing.co.uk/ .

We’ll keep you updated as we progress. Kate, Toby & bump J

Posted in June | Comments Off

Tibetan Buddhism, influence and a Golden Retriever

24th March 2008

Located in a peaceful valley on the banks of the river Esk in Scotland, 15 miles from our new home in Lockerbie, Kagyu Samye Ling was the first Tibetan Buddhist Centre to have been established in the West. It is a centre for wisdom and learning within the Karma Kagyu tradition of Tibetan Buddhism. Samye Ling is a monastery and international centre of Buddhist training, known for the authenticity of its teachings and tradition. It offers instruction in Buddhist philosophy and meditation within the Karma Kagyu lineage of Tibetan Buddhism. It is also a centre for the preservation of Tibetan religion, culture, medicine, art, architecture and handicrafts. The Easter weekend break gave Kate and I an ideal opportunity to introduce our two best friends from Bristol to Samye Ling, and their first experience into Buddhist tradition.

Posted in March | Comments Off

The likely lads

06th May 2008 - From The Himalayas

We took a break from the training today and went out on a trek in the beautiful Himalayas. We are about 3000 metres above sea level in The Solang Valley, and the mountains surrounding us reach up to nearly 6000m. Everest I believe is 9500m. The land is peppered with huge boulders dropped by a distant glacier and every now and then you will find a temple dedicated to a favoured Hindu God. At the foot of a huge waterfall about 5000m above sea level I peered into a dark and dingy cave and found these two likely lads, sitting cross legged, having a good old cup of tea. They invited me in and welcomed me with a cup of their very special milk rice pudding drink. With very little English and my non existant Hindi, we cobbled together a greeting and they asked where I was from. “Scotland” I replied. The cave went silent…

Swami

After about 5 minutes of silence and contemplation on where this new strange land called Scotland was, one of them pulled out from his pocket what I can only describe as a large lump of brown rock - I believe in the west we call it Gange (I vagely recollect seeing the same stuff in the hands of the ‘hashers’ at University) They heated it, crumbled it, rolled it into a cigarete and began to smoke it.

Now I guess when you decide to live your life in a cave at the top of the Himalayas, you could perhaps be excused for not thinking about some of the basic essentials we Brits think of when choosing our home. For example, the all essential - ventilation. Of course, when you set fire to something even as small as a cigarete in a home with no ventilation at all, the whole place fills up with smoke. Perhaps this was the plan - to get me completely stonned and question me until I give them the information they need about Scotland…

It was time for me to leave…

Having returned to the fresh air of my mountain resort, I sit here thinking of the two swami’s who live in a cave at the top of the Himalayas having the party of a lifetime - perhaps it’s me who needs to take a ‘leaf’ out of their book and chill out a little.

Toby

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Richard Branson and the Super model

One of these days I’m going to be that someone whom people want to meet…

Last year I was on holiday in a small Mallorcan sea side resort called Puerto Pollensa.

We go there every year as it gives us time to reflect on our business and catch some all needed rays. It also gives us a chance to catch up with our good friends who live in a small Spanish villa not to far away in the capital - Palma.

We had done our usual and planned to meet them in the centre of Palma in the Italian restaurant Mangia…

When I spoke to our friend Dan, who customarily books the restraint every year, he asked if it would be OK with us if they could invite a friend. “Great!” I thought – “The more the merrier.”

He then proceeded to tell me that his friend, a lady called Holly Newbury, and for those who read FHM, NUTs or ZOO magazine, or who are prepared to admit it at least, may know who she is. She is the worlds 60^th sexiest woman as voted by their readers!!! Let me tell you, if she is the 60^th, I can only imagine the 1^st…

Now here’s the thing, under normal circumstances I’m a chilled out, cool, sophisticated kind of a guy… OK, well, chilled out anyway… but as soon as you put a celebrity, especially one who takes her clothes off for a living, near me – I begin to get hot and flustered and let’s just say – a little over excited…

I remember seeing Ronnie Corbett in Heddon Street, London, a few years ago and found myself chasing the little man down the street shouting “Ronnie” at the top of my voice like he was my long lost father or something… Poor man…

Anyway, this time I was determined to be cool! No silliness.

With pre-preparation, intense training and a jug of Scotlands finest Iron Bru before I met her, I was fine! To be honest… She’s got slightly fat ankles anyway…

So, all was going well – I was cool… We talked about the weather and kept well clear of any conversations to do with lingerie or leathers or any sexiness… It was all good…

Like all good things though… Well, you know! It was all good, and would have gone so well until, from the corner of my eye, I saw someone far more important to me, someone I have idolized since I was 9 years old when I wrote to him about how I could be business man just like him and he wrote back telling me that I just needed focus and dedication and to take action and with that I would make it! Sir Richard Branson walked into the very same restaurant as us and sat down just three tables away with his family. I couldn’t believe it. The over excitement pumping through me almost knocked me out…

After a few moments I composed myself , bringing my vision back into focus, and looked over at Kate. “What do I do?” I’m sure he gets people all the time wanting to talk to him, interrupting his social time. “What if I speak to him and he isn’t the nice guy I thought he was.” All of these thoughts ran through my head. I began to get nervous.

“You have to do it – this might be your only chance…” Kate encouraged…

“Oh God!… What do I call him?” “Sir Branson” is too suckie up, and “Dickie”, well “Dikie” isn’t suckie up enough…”

Not to be out done by my irrational phobia of ‘speech’, I decided to take the chance and, in my school boy after receiving a harsh telling off from the house master pose, slowly stood up and walked over to his table. I had decided on “Mr. Branson”, not to sucky up, but with a sprinkle of respect, I thought it was just the job…

After my 20 pace walk of shame, I looked down at the floor in fear of looking at him and spoke: “Mr. Branson, My names Toby and when I was 9 years old I wrote to you and you wrote back and I’m so grateful because now I have my own businesses and you really inspired me and I’m sure you get this all the time and I’m really sorry for interrupting again because I know how difficult it is to get away from the office and in this current climate it’s never easy to get away and know you have been busy buying Northern Rock and I understand the difficulties of doing that and…” My speech travelling from my thoughts out of my mouth at 1000 miles per hour…

I looked him in the eyes…

He looked back…

“Pull up a chair Toby” he said.

“Excuse me Sir?” I blurted…

“Pull up a chair.” He repeated

So… I did!

I spent an hour and a half chatting to him and his family – talking about business, getting ideas, being inspired.

Meanwhile, Kate’s sitting with the supermodel talking about the weather…

At the appropriate moment I decided it was time to leave the poor man to his now cold chicken in a tomato base with round pasta tubes, and return to my wide eyed friends 3 tables away…

I have never walked 20 paces with such pride and so much excitement…

EVERYONE on our table, and the next table and the table next to that, wanted to know what he had said to me… “Just business stuff” I replied… “’Oh’ ye small people sitting here with me – thou wish thee knew what Sir Branson and I talked about….” Or something Shakespearian like that went through my mind.

My nervous energy was bursting out of me.

I asked Kate to take a short walk with me while we waited for coffee – so that I could celebrate my victory business meeting with the best business man of all time in the only way I know how…

As we got around the corner I just had to do my victory dance – you know, the dance that all blokes do when they get excited, the one that we stole from Chandler from friends…

Just as I was in full flow, my arms out stretched and hips swinging like Dolly Partons bosom – just as I thought I had got away with being ‘almost’ cool, Richard Branson’s wife appeared from around the corner with my sunglasses that I had left on their dinner table. Oh the shame of it! I was mortified!

That will teach me! One of these days I will be cool enough to be that someone people want to meet!

Richard Branson

Posted in August | No Comments

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Recent Posts

“If You Can Spot It, You've Got It”

India Mae McCartney

“Patience is a virtue”…..apparently!!

Pregnancy Privilege

NLP and The Dharma

What's Your Legacy?

Happy Hypnobirthing

Tibetan Buddhism, influence and a Golden Retriever

The likely lads

Richard Branson and the Super model